1. |
I'll See You Whenever
02:06
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alreyt,
I'm trying to make something out of myself
I'm trying to build something out of this guilt
But on the still nights where time isn't real, I worry my actions are cyclical
Necessitated events
Hide my lack of progress
I've been trying not to read your sorta diary
Cause what hurts the most is that you're doing fine see
I know that you wanna blame, me for everything
But this comes and goes in waves
And you can burn every present I gave but you can't cinder the promises made
I'm putting everything on candid display to get through to you since you blocked any other way
This comes and goes in waves, we were just a moment between what we were began and we are became
I'll make a record and you write your piece, drift further from details but please don't forget about me
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2. |
Anicca
04:33
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There’s no way home
There were hopes in the backyard, cold and forgotten as the old beech trees, that were statuesque and yet a testament to the time we spent in relative innocence
And i used to gaze out of the window pretend that i could see, try and watch them dance with the wind and try to bring the past back to me
Oh I could beg, oh I could pray
For you not to look at him as if to say
We're not who we were yesterday
But what would that attain if nothing were to change
Paralysis exempts decay and I know you're afraid to fade, but a moment can't change after it's made
Oh there's no way home
These streets are so cold, there’s no place to roam
Oh I could beg
Oh I could pray
To bring that you
Back to that me
Oh I could beg oh I could pray
For you not to look at him as if to say
We're not who we, were yesterday
But what would we attain if nothing were to change
Paralysis exempts decay, and I know you're afraid to fade, but a moment can't change after it's made
It's okay to fear tragedy, but don't admit defeat, cause I am you, as much as you are me
I am you, as you are me.
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3. |
NORI
03:25
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It's days till I tell you, that I'm miserable
With or without you, it just doesn't count you
I can't retreat, rinse and repeat
I can't retreat, like you want me
You gotta face that time moves on
Whether you do or not
And I've been trying to stay strong
But you can only hold on for so long
And you said, you're just like everybody else
Well so is everybody else, well so is everybody else
And I'm done
You've gotta face that time moves on
Whether you do or not
And I've been trying to stay strong
But you can only hold on for so long
Hold on through this entropy, I am sick of this stage of me
Hold on through this entropy, everything is temporary
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4. |
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You thought my hands moved too quick, it’s not the nervousness it’s just the nerves in it
We’d locked gaze on nothing, shared weight we were the same shape.
That moment, there was no gravity between us i was lost in the reverb, refused to return
Only in the night only in the night could I see
Only in the night only in the night did I see you, see you through
An endless black no shade looking back, no expectation to lack, no worry of collapse, just you
Only in the night only in the night could I see
Only in the night only in the night did I feel this was reciprocal
Cause in the light of day you saw some distractions, I can't be paused and played I’m not inanimate
As much as you’d like me to, I don’t exist to reflect you
You were a space to love, I was a thing to hold, less motionless more going through the old moves
You seemed a space from love, It's getting harder to hold, onto these brief moments between having us and having to go
I think I’m happy then I overshoot, I think that I’m healthy then I'm over you, before we’re overdue.
We etched those lines over the course of several nights, burnt bridges kept you in my sight as you set my promises alight
Seconds became hours and ours became yours and you became second and I became bored
As we became I and you were so forlorn, at the idea that we change this course, ignored dischord
I tried to open discourse but of course were disgusted, we could've shifted some parts but you just wouldn't discuss it
You thought that violence would fill those gaps where my silence couldn't, thought my silence was just a sign that I felt felt nothing,
But I felt something, I felt I couldn't hold onto you if you kept running
But I felt something
Nothing's where it should be
When did this become you when did this become me?
(I hope everything burns, i hope you can’t fucking feel a thing
I hope everything burns, I hope you see)
Nothing's where it should be
When was our narrative defined by chicanery
Nothing’s where it should
And I can’t see
Nothing makes sense any more.
I've been trying to move forward but I'm held back by my demure
Nothing makes sense any more
I shouldn't still feel this way every time I hear your name
I hear you're still the same person
I hear your name, I hear you're still trying to fake you still not being yourself
I hope you're being yourself
I hope you're teaching yourself
Stopped hiding that peace in yourself
I hope you’re being yourself
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5. |
"Does it get easier?"
02:38
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“does it get easier?”
“no…
yes, it gets easier”
“oh yeah?
look at you”
“thanks
…
The more you know who you are and what you want, the less you let things upset you”
“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be, I tried being a writer but I hate what I write
I tried taking pictures but they’re so mediocre, every girl goes through a photography phase
You know like horses? Take uh dumb pictures of your feet”
“You’ll figure that out, I’m not worried about you
Keep writing”
“I’m so mean”
“Mean’s okay”
“What about marriage does that get easier?”
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6. |
June 27th
07:23
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Nurtured an ardent longing to feel belonging, you'd been so longing you replaced placement with belongings, wanted to fit in by changing what you meant
To you place meant a place to find yourself to clothe yourself in the surrounding statements is that why seemed naked in between phases
To me place was where you were wanted, a missing piece to fit between parallel imagery
We placed bones on top of bones, instead of love on top of love
I would have loved to make love, but you were clear it wasn’t enough
When push came to shove
This is love on a deadline, but I don't believe in linearity
This is love on a deadline, so give yourself some peace
Stop searching for that missing piece of me, give yourself some peace, everything becomes atrophied
~
I can put my pride back on my sleeve and wash the dirt off my name, you can put yourself back in the paralysis you pretend isn't a cage
I found a new venture an undiscovered place, you always feared what you didn't know well now you won't know anything
You burnt every little note, every gift I ever gave, took off all my old clothes and wrapped yourself in your own hate
I heard and fell to the ground but didn't feel anything, You wanted to hit me where it hurt so removed my every trace
Well I went with this new me, adopted all his new traits, tried to forget that I ever knew you not put a new you in your place
You placed this new me in a construct forgot all my old ways, disregarded what we built here so can you blame me for moving
Well in moving I thought the best thing to do, would be to look outside of me outside of you
She accompanied me to a place I barely knew, a verdant fertile woods where this new me grew
I wandered through it losing track of where I'd been, running from these thoughts losing track of me
Needed distraction and in searching found a charred note in the mud like the ones you were burning
It read
"June 27th
I told him I love him
I can't forget him. I love him. "
There was some peace in that, as if some piece of that strangers past passed that stage of hate and just lay
Cause you can burn everything, but you can't char a memory
That me will always love you in that place in that time
With nothing to pull them forward, those kids are that night
There was a time when you didn't feel this way about me, when I didn't feel this hate towards myself
There was a time when you didn't feel this way about me, when I knew how to feel I knew how to feel about myself
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7. |
"Okay"
00:54
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“Wait”
“What?”
“I don’t know just wait”
“What do you want Joel?”
“I don’t know I want you to wait for me, just a while”
“I’m not a concept Joel I’m just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind, I’m not perfect”
“I can’t see anything that I dont like about you”
“But you will!”
“Right now I can’t”
“But you will, you will think of things and I’ll get bored of you and feel trapped because that’s what happens with me”
“okay...”
“...okay”
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8. |
Flash
11:20
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That night was our funeral
Friends strewn in our wake as you refused to awake from that obstinant fantasy
That I'm not who I said I was so somehow the opposite
I know I kept things hid but what was on display was obvious
But you wanna live where you don't to think, a widow to our burnt bridges and as the process pushes on you stand still
In a drunken stupor, you stumbled to us held your fist firm and plunged into my gaze
I paused for a moment, realising there was no controlling these vortices of rage
Maybe it's better this way now no one has to say we didn't fall out of love we just weren't that great in the first place
Maybe it's better this way a cataclysm to change pace
I don't wanna return, I'm at peace with what's burnt, i just wanna know you're okay
You're shaking inside his arms and I don't mean you any harm
I don't think we should have to stay this way to stay calm
All I have wanted all this time, all I have wanted after all this time
Is to say goodbye, is to say goodnight.
Winter will come and snow over the bones of our love and by the time there's spring sun it’ll all be gone
That's the way it seems to run apathetic entropy two to none
You can chose another chance, I'll choose another last one
Retread the same defects pretend you regret that we met but I hope you learnt from the last month, that there's fucking more than the last month.
Who's to say we're okay I've been waiting for you
Holding onto exit wounds from where we left it
Stagnant pooling ideas tryna make this right
I don't wanna leave behind that me but that’s not right here
I got home after a month in the air and realised that there was nothing there no chagrin just couldn't care, I'm fine here you're fine there hope you're alright with what you find there you deserve some time dear just reset your mind dear
Rescind your recent resentful thesis no one worked towards this fallout no one wants to repeat it you get through you don't beat it, just try and find some meaning, I've been meaning to tell you what I think
Maybe some things just aren't meant to be but that doesn't mean you have to mentally vivisect those parts of me that ever made you feel something
You can't let it lie it won't stir unless that's the thing that you fear, that I'd wouldn’t want to return well you shouldn't want to return.
We were holding onto dead weight not making love we were just remembering
That there something there worth saving but that something was just perception
The thought that you were safe when I'm there, the truth was we were both just fine dear
It was a safer point in time dear I tend to cling to things when I'm scared
I hope you're happy, I hope you're happy there
With nothing to lose with nothing to lose nothing to rebuild or repair
I hope you're happy, I hope you're happy there
I can't cross these lines that you've entrenched inside but I hope I cross your mind dear
I thought I was heading to a still plane
But still can't exist when everything reacts holistically
Every ripple crosses over every tangent moves freely
The only thing I do still is hope you're happy
~
The tide goes out and mixes back with what it was and something new comes through, dependant on but different from the last.
I can already see our tide leaving and feel a new wave hitting my fragile frame, unwanted maturity drowning out worries of love and arrangement.
I know that for the foreseeable future chagrin will come from monetary woes, these songs will become lethargic and anchored down with ennui
But i know that sometimes I'll look out and wonder where those droplets that made up our wave ended up
Where what we were ended up
I cut my hair like you asked me too, you were right it does look nice
I started making time for myself, I heard you’ve been making time for someone else
We're shipping out to different schools and I don't know when I'll see you but when I see you can I see you not this icy guise you've been hiding through
I know it's not you, this isn't my bitter discontent rearing its head I want to know you learnt something
That you can take something from this, and leave behind all your regrets
That you can take something from this a lesson learnt means times well spent
This comes and goes in waves, drift further from the details but please don't forget about me
This comes and goes in waves, take what you will before the next begins and it will begin
I did some pretty shitty things to you over the course of this summer and you said some pretty shitty things to me, but that's over now and life is longer than summer and time moves on
Goodbye and goodnight.
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